I really did! why is it that I only now, after, what, a MONTH, feel like something's been taken out of me, and thrown into a doggie bag? I feel like leftovers, worthless, hopeless, full of holes, where you can see right through me, past the make-up, past the smiles, past me?
Yes, if you look closely, you can see past me, and see the ugly side of what I USED to be...
and, it's not a good feeling. I wish I didn't feel like this... But, this is the first time in over a month that I've felt like this, so, i should be happy. I realized today that Feeling the hunger is a gift in itself; without hunger, we wouldn't know what it's like not to be full, which is knowing what full feels like, and only when you can embrace the feeling can you really enjoy it, miss it, want it.
The fact that I can feel that I'm depressed is in itself a blessing. That way, I know the difference between happy and sad. Therefore, I know what it's like to be happy, therefore, I can embrace the happy side, THEREFORE, I must feel sad from time to time to truly embrace happiness...
DAMNET! Why do I have to feel sad NOW? Why can't this have happened about 3 weeks ago...
Oh, right, then I couldn't have had the best christmas I can remember...
=)
:)
I guess I'm happy. I just get these sudden feelings of hopelessness, like I can't do anything worth doing...
like...
"I can't feel anymore. I can't breathe anymore. I must do something meaningful in life, even though it might not make any difference at all. Even if I do something, I'll still be the worthless Neautique everyone used to know me as. I can't run away. I can't hide. But, I can't sit here and just take this with my tail between my legs, my ears down, by shoulders hunched... I'm barely surviving as it is, I can't see the end of this tunnel, whatever's in this tunnel really smells, but, wait, I'm the only one in the tunnel. I feel like something's been taken out... And, it's no one's fault, either. It's all my fault. I got caught up, the ocean's currents picked me from the shore, lured me away from the beach, swimming away from the happy things in my life, ignorant, only to realize that there's no turning back, wishing I had a new start, wishing someone would notice me gone, and take a boat to come save me, only knowing that would never happen, but wishing just the same. In life, there can only be misery, in misery, there is no company, no one to take the fall with, no one to give you a hand, comforting words, a hug? There can only be punishment; justice, as corrupt as it seems, must be somewhat just, right? If there's no just, then how can I feel like this? Who then would be blame to all of this agony? Who other than me, the cause of my suffering, my karma, would be up to the bat to take the blame? No one. That is because no one should. It is me who deserves to be here, in this cell, in this cage, steel bars burning my skin. If only there was a key, hopes of escape. But, alas, the guard has walked away. Pity never intwines with misery." -Neautique Narcia
I'm turning this into a poem, or maybe a monologue. Just stay with me until I do... trust me, it'll be worth something when I'm done.
Oh, and a new poem is coming up on my poetry webpage.
Click Here to go there now!
It's titled, "Free Me Willy," Once you read it, you'll get the poem. It's not like National Geographic "save the rainforest" or "Animals feel, too". I just chose the name based off of the contents IN the poem...
just read and you'll see why.
So, yeah, not much else going on... I wish I could post the poem up now... but I forgot my stuff at Joker's house... man! Bubbles texted me and told me... I feel stupid now. lol! ... heheh... =(
(sneak peek at my poem)
"Free Me Willy" 165-8
"Yellow, Beautiful yellow,
Such a strong color, for happiness,
and as long as he's here with me,
yellow will suit me just fine." -Neautique Narcia
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