I'm just wondering, why did this person even ask? Since i'm on the topic of the title, I was asked something... well, not formally, like, "hey, yada yada?"... and it really bugs me. Does this person expect me to autimatically answer that question... with no hesitation whatsoever? I think this person was even... dare I say it... ANNOYED that I didn't answer right away. Doesn't this person already know the answer? God damnet... NO!
Except for that, I feel somewhat content. I had a somewhat good day (except for that little bit on the Asking me something). I got to hang out with YellowCoat today... :)... :(
kinda wierd... but, oh well. Only 2 other people know why it kinda scares me... about YC I mean; YC and Bucklin Cat know. I just hope he calls... I need to talk to him about that little bit. I really do...
I just don't want him getting the wrong impression... It's not that i'm a jerk, it's that I just don't like condiments on my hamburgers... I mean, if he does, that's great and all (honestly, I don't really mind). I just don't like condiments on my hamburger. I lke the old, respectable hamburger, where you just savor the traditional Meat and the Bun that gives the flavor contrast. I just don't see the need for condiments like ketchup or pickles ;)
*wink wink* ... I like winking, ok??
I also like smiling... just not right now, because I'm crying a river... I'll swim up the river and far away from here, to where I won't be found again. :*( * * * *
i'm scared... sami, save me from this person...
Friday, January 30
Wednesday, January 28
Sweethearts
It was so sweet... and from the heart... tehehe.
Today at lunch, I was sitting at lunch in my normal spot. YC comes up to me and recites a beautiful poem, ending with,
"will you be my sweetheart,
and dance with me?"
It was a beautiful poem, so sweet, so kind, so... wait, what? He had asked me the night before if I would go with him. I had already said yes, but, this was so big and elaborate, I completely forgot the ending for a second... I recovered quickly, though, and replied "yes!" again.
He pulls me into a big hug... and right then, "Cracker Jack" comes from behind us and asks, "do you think that dead baby seal jokes are funny?"
I pull away from the hug, saying "ok, moment ruined..." and everyone starts cracking up... Cracker Jack is confused as hell until YC explains it. "Well, I DIDN'T KNOW!"
Kinda sucked... but, still, so sweet :)
... crap! now I need an outfit... maybe a dress? ... yeah, a dress... but, my legs are, well, hideous! I can't even look at them. I have shaving bumps and bruizes and cuts and all that jazz...
it's horrible. even nylons can't cover it up... I'll need to use a special cream... shit!
Today at lunch, I was sitting at lunch in my normal spot. YC comes up to me and recites a beautiful poem, ending with,
"will you be my sweetheart,
and dance with me?"
It was a beautiful poem, so sweet, so kind, so... wait, what? He had asked me the night before if I would go with him. I had already said yes, but, this was so big and elaborate, I completely forgot the ending for a second... I recovered quickly, though, and replied "yes!" again.
He pulls me into a big hug... and right then, "Cracker Jack" comes from behind us and asks, "do you think that dead baby seal jokes are funny?"
I pull away from the hug, saying "ok, moment ruined..." and everyone starts cracking up... Cracker Jack is confused as hell until YC explains it. "Well, I DIDN'T KNOW!"
Kinda sucked... but, still, so sweet :)
... crap! now I need an outfit... maybe a dress? ... yeah, a dress... but, my legs are, well, hideous! I can't even look at them. I have shaving bumps and bruizes and cuts and all that jazz...
it's horrible. even nylons can't cover it up... I'll need to use a special cream... shit!
Friday, January 23
Crepes on Monday!
I'm going to make some batter on Sunday night and Make the crepes on Monday morning. I'm waking up at like 5:30 so that I can actually make enough for everyone to have at least 1 or so.
But, then again, I'm going to have to make some filling and stuff on the side and put it in a different container. Oh boy, this is going to be fun...
I'm bringing snacks to lunch for the whole group. He he. It's just like making dinner, but for people at school. :)
great... better get started...
Well, then again, it's only Friday, and I'm at my mom's house. And I'm trying not to eat anything for the rest of the night. I just pigged out on breakfast and lunch. So, I'm having ice tea and nothing else. It seems good, considering I had that much food today, and this will keep my hunger down til I go to the movies tonight... maybe.
Except for that, I feel somewhat of a contentment. I feel ok, but not happy. then again, I don't feel sad. I feel like i'm missing someone/something, but then I feel like I'm not missing someone/something. I wish that I was somewhere a few weeks ago, but then again I love where I am right now. I Also wish that I could be with my friends right now, but then again I wish to be alone. I wish I was stuffing my face with food, but I wish to keep this hunger-free mechanism a try today. I don't know which side I'm on in life; the wilting flower, or the blooming blossom. Either way, i'm either going up or down. But, this is what fears me, I'm either going up or down in drastic Measures. Either I'm floating like Helium, (high in the sky, feeling the clouds brush up against my skin, sending goosebumps down my arms, as my hair seems to swim in the air around me, not knowing what's below me, not knowing where I'm rising. Maybe I'll reach the heavens, maybe I'll reach the stars, maybe I'll find out. But the only way to learn is to try... So, here I go, up and about, floating past the clouds, flying up, soaking the sun's yellow warmth, feeling the blue breeze through my hair, as it carries me to the bliss of the unknown... ) or I'm sinking like a rock, (to the bottom of the sea. Fish swim by as I'm tied to this rock, sinking slowly, as I look up and see the bubbles from my mouth, rising to the surface, a mirror, reflecting my body, going down deeper, deeper. This isn't me, this isn't what I think of myself, but, the mirror doesn't lie. I'm here, drowning in my own pool of tears, chained to a ball of my past, which now sinks to the bottom of my own sea. If only this was a dry heat...)
So, yeah, you could go with both ways. I'm just a big pool of emotions right now. I'm listening to Jazz (the music of the soul) and I'm dreaming of some sunday to come :)
So, yeah, it might be a downing day...
maybe an uplifting day...
maybe both...
maybe neither... Maybe I'll just go back to my dream of last night :)
until then, my loves!
(I should title this post "missing him" but I feel that would be really wierd, concidering i've only been going out with YC for almost 2 weeks officially, but I feel it's been going on for about 3. It's all how you look at it.)
But, then again, I'm going to have to make some filling and stuff on the side and put it in a different container. Oh boy, this is going to be fun...
I'm bringing snacks to lunch for the whole group. He he. It's just like making dinner, but for people at school. :)
great... better get started...
Well, then again, it's only Friday, and I'm at my mom's house. And I'm trying not to eat anything for the rest of the night. I just pigged out on breakfast and lunch. So, I'm having ice tea and nothing else. It seems good, considering I had that much food today, and this will keep my hunger down til I go to the movies tonight... maybe.
Except for that, I feel somewhat of a contentment. I feel ok, but not happy. then again, I don't feel sad. I feel like i'm missing someone/something, but then I feel like I'm not missing someone/something. I wish that I was somewhere a few weeks ago, but then again I love where I am right now. I Also wish that I could be with my friends right now, but then again I wish to be alone. I wish I was stuffing my face with food, but I wish to keep this hunger-free mechanism a try today. I don't know which side I'm on in life; the wilting flower, or the blooming blossom. Either way, i'm either going up or down. But, this is what fears me, I'm either going up or down in drastic Measures. Either I'm floating like Helium, (high in the sky, feeling the clouds brush up against my skin, sending goosebumps down my arms, as my hair seems to swim in the air around me, not knowing what's below me, not knowing where I'm rising. Maybe I'll reach the heavens, maybe I'll reach the stars, maybe I'll find out. But the only way to learn is to try... So, here I go, up and about, floating past the clouds, flying up, soaking the sun's yellow warmth, feeling the blue breeze through my hair, as it carries me to the bliss of the unknown... ) or I'm sinking like a rock, (to the bottom of the sea. Fish swim by as I'm tied to this rock, sinking slowly, as I look up and see the bubbles from my mouth, rising to the surface, a mirror, reflecting my body, going down deeper, deeper. This isn't me, this isn't what I think of myself, but, the mirror doesn't lie. I'm here, drowning in my own pool of tears, chained to a ball of my past, which now sinks to the bottom of my own sea. If only this was a dry heat...)
So, yeah, you could go with both ways. I'm just a big pool of emotions right now. I'm listening to Jazz (the music of the soul) and I'm dreaming of some sunday to come :)
So, yeah, it might be a downing day...
maybe an uplifting day...
maybe both...
maybe neither... Maybe I'll just go back to my dream of last night :)
until then, my loves!
(I should title this post "missing him" but I feel that would be really wierd, concidering i've only been going out with YC for almost 2 weeks officially, but I feel it's been going on for about 3. It's all how you look at it.)
Tuesday, January 20
Ugh to the 3day weekend...
Nothing really happened...
well, there was a party on Saturday night... that was rather interesting... :)
It was really fun... When I finally started opening up to more than just Danny.
I forgot how good of a friend Mckenna is. She's awesome (and, currently in 7th grade...)!
And, except for that... I was supposed to have a dream last night... God Told me I would... I did, but it was a different subject in general...
completly opposite...
wth? Not what I asked for... oh well, god works in mysterious ways.
And, since it is the end of the semester, Friday the group is going to hang out! I don't know when, exactly (I'm hoping my dad's house, the Knox?) but I'll tell you guys when I have it all figured out. :)
well, there was a party on Saturday night... that was rather interesting... :)
It was really fun... When I finally started opening up to more than just Danny.
I forgot how good of a friend Mckenna is. She's awesome (and, currently in 7th grade...)!
And, except for that... I was supposed to have a dream last night... God Told me I would... I did, but it was a different subject in general...
completly opposite...
wth? Not what I asked for... oh well, god works in mysterious ways.
And, since it is the end of the semester, Friday the group is going to hang out! I don't know when, exactly (I'm hoping my dad's house, the Knox?) but I'll tell you guys when I have it all figured out. :)
Sunday, January 18
... Last night was awesome!
It was. I ended up walking back to the party I walked out on. lol!
I forgot that they had food.
Once the food was distributed, I eventually started opening up to others. It was rather fun.
And then, the gifts! I had this hat, you see. It was fuzzy and green and awesome. I hd left it over at danny's before (like 2 years ago) and never got it back. Well, I made sure I didn't leave without it last night. (I have you back, Neewah!)
yes, I named my hat, Neewah! is that so bad?
I used to have a fishy hat named Larry. It was rather cute, but, I lost it. So, then, I got this fuzzy green hat. Wore it wherever I went. Then, left it at Danny's.
Now, I have you back! muahaha!
So, yeah, movies maybe later tonight. YAY! ... maybe.
So, call me people.
And, I'm just so giddy from my reunion with my old friends who I forgot were my friends, and my old green hat (which smells like Cr*** due to someone... yeah, you know who you are... get a new hobby, will you?)
And for everyone else who does that and has an effect on not just yourself but those who love you, yeah, please just get a new hobby.
I don't want anyone else being hurt like I had... It really hurts...
just don't...
So, yeah. I gots to go.
Byes my Loves!
(there, I can still say it.)
I forgot that they had food.
Once the food was distributed, I eventually started opening up to others. It was rather fun.
And then, the gifts! I had this hat, you see. It was fuzzy and green and awesome. I hd left it over at danny's before (like 2 years ago) and never got it back. Well, I made sure I didn't leave without it last night. (I have you back, Neewah!)
yes, I named my hat, Neewah! is that so bad?
I used to have a fishy hat named Larry. It was rather cute, but, I lost it. So, then, I got this fuzzy green hat. Wore it wherever I went. Then, left it at Danny's.
Now, I have you back! muahaha!
So, yeah, movies maybe later tonight. YAY! ... maybe.
So, call me people.
And, I'm just so giddy from my reunion with my old friends who I forgot were my friends, and my old green hat (which smells like Cr*** due to someone... yeah, you know who you are... get a new hobby, will you?)
And for everyone else who does that and has an effect on not just yourself but those who love you, yeah, please just get a new hobby.
I don't want anyone else being hurt like I had... It really hurts...
just don't...
So, yeah. I gots to go.
Byes my Loves!
(there, I can still say it.)
Saturday, January 17
Crazy-Awesomeness
This is just sweet, I must admit.
My sister showed this to me uyesterday. This and many more are going to be posted now, so, yeah. check them all out at Youtube.com
(Crazy Chemical reactions)
(Pythagoras Switch)
The Jiggly Butt (sorry, just must be done. checked up with this on Buck Cat's blog and wanted to add it to here. hilarious!)
comment comment comment my loves!
... or my friends...
I got to stop saying that. It creeps people out. lol!
(well, it's still funny to walk up to someone and say, "alloh my love!" and just maul them with a big hug. it's rather amusing. lol!)
In other news, I an really frightened...
So, today is the annual gift exchange that my parent's friends always hold. well, as we're making out dish (Steamed Asparagus w/ Hollandaize sauce), I look at the recipe for the sauce and find that it contains raw egg yolk. "Well, it's worked before," I say, and I make it.
Well, as i'm tasting it with the overcooked (boiled!) asparagus, it tastes awful! it's either got too little salt, too much butter, or... might I say it... raw egg! (dun dun dunn!)
I'm afraid that the people at the party tonight will get lethally sick and die and start gagging tomorrow as I'm sitting in the theaters with my friends (hopefully if more people can come). And all of a sudden, some of them will start calling me to sue me and to find me a lawyer when my phone is off (new rule at the theaters). And then all hell will break loose! I'll be skipping school due to my problems and then people will stop hanging out with me because I've killed someone with raw egg poisoning and then that will cause... or maybe it's not enough salt...
*gag* I'm scared. Because I ate some of it! what if It is poisonous and I ate some of it. XP
... Buck cat, if I die, watch over every one in our group. If I don't make it, YC, please care to take over this blog and remember, my forever yellow...
... psh. lol! i'm stopping now. I'm just over obsessing about it.
Just don't be surprised if you call and I'm in tears and stuff. I'll just be mouring my friends who have passed away at the hospital the night of...
so, yeah.
On the good side, I'm relieved!
I know, what the problem is with my feeling like shit! It just happens to be that my problem is with WHEAT in the morning, or more importantly, Gluten.
If I have gluten in the morning before school (or at least last week), I feel like shit. So, please, no more of that. lol! instead, I have Milk, a Banana, and Some Cinnamon, all blended into a drink. I have that and I'm ready for the day. heheh. I realize that now that I had crepes for breakfast...
yeah, with Choco sauce, too.
Well, I gtg now.
Good Byes...
my loves? *hug*... no... just, nevermind that then.
My sister showed this to me uyesterday. This and many more are going to be posted now, so, yeah. check them all out at Youtube.com
(Crazy Chemical reactions)
(Pythagoras Switch)
The Jiggly Butt (sorry, just must be done. checked up with this on Buck Cat's blog and wanted to add it to here. hilarious!)
comment comment comment my loves!
... or my friends...
I got to stop saying that. It creeps people out. lol!
(well, it's still funny to walk up to someone and say, "alloh my love!" and just maul them with a big hug. it's rather amusing. lol!)
In other news, I an really frightened...
So, today is the annual gift exchange that my parent's friends always hold. well, as we're making out dish (Steamed Asparagus w/ Hollandaize sauce), I look at the recipe for the sauce and find that it contains raw egg yolk. "Well, it's worked before," I say, and I make it.
Well, as i'm tasting it with the overcooked (boiled!) asparagus, it tastes awful! it's either got too little salt, too much butter, or... might I say it... raw egg! (dun dun dunn!)
I'm afraid that the people at the party tonight will get lethally sick and die and start gagging tomorrow as I'm sitting in the theaters with my friends (hopefully if more people can come). And all of a sudden, some of them will start calling me to sue me and to find me a lawyer when my phone is off (new rule at the theaters). And then all hell will break loose! I'll be skipping school due to my problems and then people will stop hanging out with me because I've killed someone with raw egg poisoning and then that will cause... or maybe it's not enough salt...
*gag* I'm scared. Because I ate some of it! what if It is poisonous and I ate some of it. XP
... Buck cat, if I die, watch over every one in our group. If I don't make it, YC, please care to take over this blog and remember, my forever yellow...
... psh. lol! i'm stopping now. I'm just over obsessing about it.
Just don't be surprised if you call and I'm in tears and stuff. I'll just be mouring my friends who have passed away at the hospital the night of...
so, yeah.
On the good side, I'm relieved!
I know, what the problem is with my feeling like shit! It just happens to be that my problem is with WHEAT in the morning, or more importantly, Gluten.
If I have gluten in the morning before school (or at least last week), I feel like shit. So, please, no more of that. lol! instead, I have Milk, a Banana, and Some Cinnamon, all blended into a drink. I have that and I'm ready for the day. heheh. I realize that now that I had crepes for breakfast...
yeah, with Choco sauce, too.
Well, I gtg now.
Good Byes...
my loves? *hug*... no... just, nevermind that then.
Friday, January 16
Why??!!
Why not?
I believe that there's two factors for my being really down lately.
*factor one, I've eaten a breakfast every day I've felt sad. And, later, something for lunch. My final repression technique isn't working guys. heheh... *shoves another waffle down her throat*
*I believe I've had sudden times when I repress what's happening at home or at school (even at lunch) or something by a good memory of some kind (usually one kind, But I dunno how to explain it). It usually works, but then I realize that by the time I snap out of it, it's time to go to Theater and deal with that crap, which is piling up at my feet as I sit down.
But, good news about theater, On Monday Dracula's going to be out of the black box, so we get our classroom back! thank you! :)
... you know what, it might be just change, so, let me add that to my list...
*I've had a lot of change recently, and I usually don't do well with change right away.
... I guess that works.
So, yeah, my dear friend Buck Cat came over yesterday cuz she wanted to hang out (I think I might have pressured her by accident. I was really sad when I was IMing her on Face book... I was!).
Oh well, I fear that it will all end today.
But, honestly, it's like "I fear that I'll wake up from this Dream/Nightmare or fall down from my Towers when the sun hasn't risen yet and the air is still... only to realize that this isn't a nightmare after all, and that the air shall forever be still... I fear that this hope, this joy, this peace I have created within myself will fall apart, it will melt away, it will freeze up, it will destroy me later on. I fear that all this and more might happen to me if I do not wait for the breeze in the tower or chase the monsters out of my dream." This is the catch though, The monsters scare me, so i cannot chase them out...
:*(
OK, I'm shutting up now. Please don't get obsessively concerned about me. I'll be fine (I'm not having a breakfast today)... well, I take that back. If you want to be concerned, go ahead. I'm having some cereal... lunch is going to be a blast today...
great...
I gots to goes to school.
I believe that there's two factors for my being really down lately.
*factor one, I've eaten a breakfast every day I've felt sad. And, later, something for lunch. My final repression technique isn't working guys. heheh... *shoves another waffle down her throat*
*I believe I've had sudden times when I repress what's happening at home or at school (even at lunch) or something by a good memory of some kind (usually one kind, But I dunno how to explain it). It usually works, but then I realize that by the time I snap out of it, it's time to go to Theater and deal with that crap, which is piling up at my feet as I sit down.
But, good news about theater, On Monday Dracula's going to be out of the black box, so we get our classroom back! thank you! :)
... you know what, it might be just change, so, let me add that to my list...
*I've had a lot of change recently, and I usually don't do well with change right away.
... I guess that works.
So, yeah, my dear friend Buck Cat came over yesterday cuz she wanted to hang out (I think I might have pressured her by accident. I was really sad when I was IMing her on Face book... I was!).
Oh well, I fear that it will all end today.
But, honestly, it's like "I fear that I'll wake up from this Dream/Nightmare or fall down from my Towers when the sun hasn't risen yet and the air is still... only to realize that this isn't a nightmare after all, and that the air shall forever be still... I fear that this hope, this joy, this peace I have created within myself will fall apart, it will melt away, it will freeze up, it will destroy me later on. I fear that all this and more might happen to me if I do not wait for the breeze in the tower or chase the monsters out of my dream." This is the catch though, The monsters scare me, so i cannot chase them out...
:*(
OK, I'm shutting up now. Please don't get obsessively concerned about me. I'll be fine (I'm not having a breakfast today)... well, I take that back. If you want to be concerned, go ahead. I'm having some cereal... lunch is going to be a blast today...
great...
I gots to goes to school.
Wednesday, January 14
Please, my Dear Wind, do not Bite me!
(morning)
Buck Cat has recently gotten a few trophies... She didn't win much, though. It hurts when you have these trophies.
Let's just say having a ping pong ball and a hammer when sleepwalking isn't the best choice of action when it's below Freezing outside.
But, aside from that, She's doing GREAT! quite different from me, I must say. First off, I only got about 4 hours of sleep... because My dad, when he woke up at 3:00 or so, he went downstairs to the sunroom and turned the TV up really really REALLY loud and didn't even watch it, but just listened. So, when I wake up at 3:30 in the morining (having fallen asleep only past 11:00 that night) due to an insanely loud Jay Lenno joke, I immediatly jump up in my bed, screaming, "IT WASN'T ME!" ... only to realize my dad didn't even hear me.
Second off, I'm going to see Dracula tonight. Somewhat a problem, sayng that I have not a ride there yet, because my mom won't answer her phone. ... I'll see after school if I can get her to come for pity... it's worked before. ha!
Third off, I got so much crap from my old friends about my current status... like not being a reject, about having other friends, about having a Boyfriend, about yada and yada. It's actually quite sad. :( It makes me cry... So, I want to cry a river, but I can't, I can't fall apart, I can't become one of them. :(
I have to go to school to face those people now. Well, the only real highlight of the school day will probably be Geog. and 1st Lunch. :) i get to hang out with all my friends I never see. (I have to convince one of them to come with me to Drac. If not... It's not the end of the world, or anything, it would just be nice if someone would come. <:)... <:(... well, fine. hmph...)
(Evening; 4:00 pm)
Well, guess who's coming with me to Dracula?
D-man and Tia will be joining me as we settle and get spooked out of our senses by YellowCoat. This is going to be a fulfilling night...
at least it can't be worse than what my day has already been like. Anxiety, Sleepiness, Depression, Loss of interest with Daily Needs (hunger), etc, etc. The only really fun time today was probably at First lunch with my friends (or Science where I actually fell asleep in class and caught some well deserved ZZZs). But, lunch was probably the best time, it's the only time I really felt somewhat happy. I have really good friends... yeah.
I know I put myself down way too much, But sometimes I just have these sudden depressions I can't get rid of. Sometimes, I actually cry. It's not good, I know, but it's what I can't control. So, as I'm leaving, YC tells me to "feel better today," "I will," I reply.
I guess I failed you. sorries...
:( I have failed you, my wind!
... hehe, actually, making those kind of jokes brings a somewhat smile to my face. hehe...
concidering he probably hasn't read the poem yet. BUT, all in due time, right?
yeah... can you give that poem back, when you read this? Or before, too. That would be great.
I count the Spiders on the Wall... one two three four... teeheehee.
Buck Cat has recently gotten a few trophies... She didn't win much, though. It hurts when you have these trophies.
Let's just say having a ping pong ball and a hammer when sleepwalking isn't the best choice of action when it's below Freezing outside.
But, aside from that, She's doing GREAT! quite different from me, I must say. First off, I only got about 4 hours of sleep... because My dad, when he woke up at 3:00 or so, he went downstairs to the sunroom and turned the TV up really really REALLY loud and didn't even watch it, but just listened. So, when I wake up at 3:30 in the morining (having fallen asleep only past 11:00 that night) due to an insanely loud Jay Lenno joke, I immediatly jump up in my bed, screaming, "IT WASN'T ME!" ... only to realize my dad didn't even hear me.
Second off, I'm going to see Dracula tonight. Somewhat a problem, sayng that I have not a ride there yet, because my mom won't answer her phone. ... I'll see after school if I can get her to come for pity... it's worked before. ha!
Third off, I got so much crap from my old friends about my current status... like not being a reject, about having other friends, about having a Boyfriend, about yada and yada. It's actually quite sad. :( It makes me cry... So, I want to cry a river, but I can't, I can't fall apart, I can't become one of them. :(
I have to go to school to face those people now. Well, the only real highlight of the school day will probably be Geog. and 1st Lunch. :) i get to hang out with all my friends I never see. (I have to convince one of them to come with me to Drac. If not... It's not the end of the world, or anything, it would just be nice if someone would come. <:)... <:(... well, fine. hmph...)
(Evening; 4:00 pm)
Well, guess who's coming with me to Dracula?
D-man and Tia will be joining me as we settle and get spooked out of our senses by YellowCoat. This is going to be a fulfilling night...
at least it can't be worse than what my day has already been like. Anxiety, Sleepiness, Depression, Loss of interest with Daily Needs (hunger), etc, etc. The only really fun time today was probably at First lunch with my friends (or Science where I actually fell asleep in class and caught some well deserved ZZZs). But, lunch was probably the best time, it's the only time I really felt somewhat happy. I have really good friends... yeah.
I know I put myself down way too much, But sometimes I just have these sudden depressions I can't get rid of. Sometimes, I actually cry. It's not good, I know, but it's what I can't control. So, as I'm leaving, YC tells me to "feel better today," "I will," I reply.
I guess I failed you. sorries...
:( I have failed you, my wind!
... hehe, actually, making those kind of jokes brings a somewhat smile to my face. hehe...
concidering he probably hasn't read the poem yet. BUT, all in due time, right?
yeah... can you give that poem back, when you read this? Or before, too. That would be great.
I count the Spiders on the Wall... one two three four... teeheehee.
Monday, January 12
Free Me Willy... I am free!
yeah, well, what do you think? Tell me! comment!
So, Yeah, I woke up yesterday to no phone calls, no parents ordering me up, and God at my side. It was actually like one of those "Completly at peace" things. Not a complete out of body experience. Because my leg was killing me and my arms felt like they were dead. But, I didn't really care.
It's not like I didn't feel it. I just didn't really care if I hurt or not. Because as long as I have my good friends, this blog, and my amazing family (as horrible as we can be...), I believe my world can't get any better than what it is right now. So, who cared if my leg hurt, or my arms felt like they weren't completly screwed on. It didn't matter, really. Because it felt just. It felt like if I must feel this bad, I must've felt really good before to be let down this much by just sore muscles. Just... I guess that's how I felt. It was an amazing experience. If I could share it, I would....
yeah, like send a link to you guys through this blog. lol.
Click Here for an "at peace with one self" experience.
Funny where it goes. lol!
So, I'm at peace, and I hope to be at Lunch, too. Because I have a lot of shit I need to deal with today. Quite glad that the "peace" happened yesterday morning and not this morning. I need to focus on being attentive and not zoning out about... stuff. lol! But, I really need to stay focus today. So, if you read this, (it is monday, January 12th, 2009 at 7:33 am) remember to keeep me alert at lunch and not dozing off on the table or something...
maybeI could take a little nap... zzz...zzz... zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz
*poke* "eep!"
god, help me stay awake today...
I pray. lol!
So, Yeah, I woke up yesterday to no phone calls, no parents ordering me up, and God at my side. It was actually like one of those "Completly at peace" things. Not a complete out of body experience. Because my leg was killing me and my arms felt like they were dead. But, I didn't really care.
It's not like I didn't feel it. I just didn't really care if I hurt or not. Because as long as I have my good friends, this blog, and my amazing family (as horrible as we can be...), I believe my world can't get any better than what it is right now. So, who cared if my leg hurt, or my arms felt like they weren't completly screwed on. It didn't matter, really. Because it felt just. It felt like if I must feel this bad, I must've felt really good before to be let down this much by just sore muscles. Just... I guess that's how I felt. It was an amazing experience. If I could share it, I would....
yeah, like send a link to you guys through this blog. lol.
Click Here for an "at peace with one self" experience.
Funny where it goes. lol!
So, I'm at peace, and I hope to be at Lunch, too. Because I have a lot of shit I need to deal with today. Quite glad that the "peace" happened yesterday morning and not this morning. I need to focus on being attentive and not zoning out about... stuff. lol! But, I really need to stay focus today. So, if you read this, (it is monday, January 12th, 2009 at 7:33 am) remember to keeep me alert at lunch and not dozing off on the table or something...
maybeI could take a little nap... zzz...zzz... zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz
*poke* "eep!"
god, help me stay awake today...
I pray. lol!
Saturday, January 10
(gosh, let me go back to sleep) no!
... I didn't wke up to an alarm today, but a phone call.
lol! Like I wake up to an alarm on the weekends anyways, but, that was Why I was a bit hesitant of answering my phone...
when I saw who it was, though, I sprung up to answer it!
quite hilarious... (not really)
So, I'm going to finish up typing my poems and send them to the editor peoples. yay! ...
boo. I'm so tired... (let me go back to sleep) I needs my sleeps...
yeah, I needs my sleeps. I gots to Eats, too...
I really need my sleep.
lol! Like I wake up to an alarm on the weekends anyways, but, that was Why I was a bit hesitant of answering my phone...
when I saw who it was, though, I sprung up to answer it!
quite hilarious... (not really)
So, I'm going to finish up typing my poems and send them to the editor peoples. yay! ...
boo. I'm so tired... (let me go back to sleep) I needs my sleeps...
yeah, I needs my sleeps. I gots to Eats, too...
I really need my sleep.
Friday, January 9
I used to think it hurt
(as in an older post's title, "love hurts") I thought it did. Now I know it doesn't have to.
In somewhat other news, There is a rumor going around school about me and my Ex. Do not believe the rumor that we did anything. (There's a rumor that I actually "did something" extremely big. It is not true. Just pointing that out before I get a comment on this blog asking about it.)
Also, I've f0und some editors who might want to publish some of my work. So, I'm going to type it up some and send it in to them. It seems like a really good idea. So, I hope you have some patience with my excitement (which was "totally" evident today at lunch... zzz ZZZ zzz...)
I gots to go now. So, sneak peek at one of my poems. This is a sequel of my "Free Me Willy"
"Forever Free Me Willy" -Neautique Narcia
lines 9-24
-9 I mean, I need my light,
to hope to laugh, to sing,
to fly, with my birds,
far away from here.
-13 Escape, it's so inviting,
so intriguing, Willy,
just for me to leave and never return,
can it even be real?
-17 I'd always thought it wasn't,
that i'd be trapped forever,
that i'd never see light,
and I'd never meet Wind.
-21 He's so good to me,
Wind, he's everything I'd wished,
prayed, hoped for,
and he's been there for me..."-24 -Neautique Narcia
... kinda sloppy, i know. give it time...
lol!
In somewhat other news, There is a rumor going around school about me and my Ex. Do not believe the rumor that we did anything. (There's a rumor that I actually "did something" extremely big. It is not true. Just pointing that out before I get a comment on this blog asking about it.)
Also, I've f0und some editors who might want to publish some of my work. So, I'm going to type it up some and send it in to them. It seems like a really good idea. So, I hope you have some patience with my excitement (which was "totally" evident today at lunch... zzz ZZZ zzz...)
I gots to go now. So, sneak peek at one of my poems. This is a sequel of my "Free Me Willy"
"Forever Free Me Willy" -Neautique Narcia
lines 9-24
-9 I mean, I need my light,
to hope to laugh, to sing,
to fly, with my birds,
far away from here.
-13 Escape, it's so inviting,
so intriguing, Willy,
just for me to leave and never return,
can it even be real?
-17 I'd always thought it wasn't,
that i'd be trapped forever,
that i'd never see light,
and I'd never meet Wind.
-21 He's so good to me,
Wind, he's everything I'd wished,
prayed, hoped for,
and he's been there for me..."-24 -Neautique Narcia
... kinda sloppy, i know. give it time...
lol!
Tuesday, January 6
Shitty mood... I thought I was out of this!!
I really did! why is it that I only now, after, what, a MONTH, feel like something's been taken out of me, and thrown into a doggie bag? I feel like leftovers, worthless, hopeless, full of holes, where you can see right through me, past the make-up, past the smiles, past me?
Yes, if you look closely, you can see past me, and see the ugly side of what I USED to be...
and, it's not a good feeling. I wish I didn't feel like this... But, this is the first time in over a month that I've felt like this, so, i should be happy. I realized today that Feeling the hunger is a gift in itself; without hunger, we wouldn't know what it's like not to be full, which is knowing what full feels like, and only when you can embrace the feeling can you really enjoy it, miss it, want it.
The fact that I can feel that I'm depressed is in itself a blessing. That way, I know the difference between happy and sad. Therefore, I know what it's like to be happy, therefore, I can embrace the happy side, THEREFORE, I must feel sad from time to time to truly embrace happiness...
DAMNET! Why do I have to feel sad NOW? Why can't this have happened about 3 weeks ago...
Oh, right, then I couldn't have had the best christmas I can remember...
=)
:)
I guess I'm happy. I just get these sudden feelings of hopelessness, like I can't do anything worth doing...
like...
"I can't feel anymore. I can't breathe anymore. I must do something meaningful in life, even though it might not make any difference at all. Even if I do something, I'll still be the worthless Neautique everyone used to know me as. I can't run away. I can't hide. But, I can't sit here and just take this with my tail between my legs, my ears down, by shoulders hunched... I'm barely surviving as it is, I can't see the end of this tunnel, whatever's in this tunnel really smells, but, wait, I'm the only one in the tunnel. I feel like something's been taken out... And, it's no one's fault, either. It's all my fault. I got caught up, the ocean's currents picked me from the shore, lured me away from the beach, swimming away from the happy things in my life, ignorant, only to realize that there's no turning back, wishing I had a new start, wishing someone would notice me gone, and take a boat to come save me, only knowing that would never happen, but wishing just the same. In life, there can only be misery, in misery, there is no company, no one to take the fall with, no one to give you a hand, comforting words, a hug? There can only be punishment; justice, as corrupt as it seems, must be somewhat just, right? If there's no just, then how can I feel like this? Who then would be blame to all of this agony? Who other than me, the cause of my suffering, my karma, would be up to the bat to take the blame? No one. That is because no one should. It is me who deserves to be here, in this cell, in this cage, steel bars burning my skin. If only there was a key, hopes of escape. But, alas, the guard has walked away. Pity never intwines with misery." -Neautique Narcia
I'm turning this into a poem, or maybe a monologue. Just stay with me until I do... trust me, it'll be worth something when I'm done.
Oh, and a new poem is coming up on my poetry webpage.
Click Here to go there now!
It's titled, "Free Me Willy," Once you read it, you'll get the poem. It's not like National Geographic "save the rainforest" or "Animals feel, too". I just chose the name based off of the contents IN the poem...
just read and you'll see why.
So, yeah, not much else going on... I wish I could post the poem up now... but I forgot my stuff at Joker's house... man! Bubbles texted me and told me... I feel stupid now. lol! ... heheh... =(
(sneak peek at my poem)
"Free Me Willy" 165-8
"Yellow, Beautiful yellow,
Such a strong color, for happiness,
and as long as he's here with me,
yellow will suit me just fine." -Neautique Narcia
Yes, if you look closely, you can see past me, and see the ugly side of what I USED to be...
and, it's not a good feeling. I wish I didn't feel like this... But, this is the first time in over a month that I've felt like this, so, i should be happy. I realized today that Feeling the hunger is a gift in itself; without hunger, we wouldn't know what it's like not to be full, which is knowing what full feels like, and only when you can embrace the feeling can you really enjoy it, miss it, want it.
The fact that I can feel that I'm depressed is in itself a blessing. That way, I know the difference between happy and sad. Therefore, I know what it's like to be happy, therefore, I can embrace the happy side, THEREFORE, I must feel sad from time to time to truly embrace happiness...
DAMNET! Why do I have to feel sad NOW? Why can't this have happened about 3 weeks ago...
Oh, right, then I couldn't have had the best christmas I can remember...
=)
:)
I guess I'm happy. I just get these sudden feelings of hopelessness, like I can't do anything worth doing...
like...
"I can't feel anymore. I can't breathe anymore. I must do something meaningful in life, even though it might not make any difference at all. Even if I do something, I'll still be the worthless Neautique everyone used to know me as. I can't run away. I can't hide. But, I can't sit here and just take this with my tail between my legs, my ears down, by shoulders hunched... I'm barely surviving as it is, I can't see the end of this tunnel, whatever's in this tunnel really smells, but, wait, I'm the only one in the tunnel. I feel like something's been taken out... And, it's no one's fault, either. It's all my fault. I got caught up, the ocean's currents picked me from the shore, lured me away from the beach, swimming away from the happy things in my life, ignorant, only to realize that there's no turning back, wishing I had a new start, wishing someone would notice me gone, and take a boat to come save me, only knowing that would never happen, but wishing just the same. In life, there can only be misery, in misery, there is no company, no one to take the fall with, no one to give you a hand, comforting words, a hug? There can only be punishment; justice, as corrupt as it seems, must be somewhat just, right? If there's no just, then how can I feel like this? Who then would be blame to all of this agony? Who other than me, the cause of my suffering, my karma, would be up to the bat to take the blame? No one. That is because no one should. It is me who deserves to be here, in this cell, in this cage, steel bars burning my skin. If only there was a key, hopes of escape. But, alas, the guard has walked away. Pity never intwines with misery." -Neautique Narcia
I'm turning this into a poem, or maybe a monologue. Just stay with me until I do... trust me, it'll be worth something when I'm done.
Oh, and a new poem is coming up on my poetry webpage.
Click Here to go there now!
It's titled, "Free Me Willy," Once you read it, you'll get the poem. It's not like National Geographic "save the rainforest" or "Animals feel, too". I just chose the name based off of the contents IN the poem...
just read and you'll see why.
So, yeah, not much else going on... I wish I could post the poem up now... but I forgot my stuff at Joker's house... man! Bubbles texted me and told me... I feel stupid now. lol! ... heheh... =(
(sneak peek at my poem)
"Free Me Willy" 165-8
"Yellow, Beautiful yellow,
Such a strong color, for happiness,
and as long as he's here with me,
yellow will suit me just fine." -Neautique Narcia
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